Boris’s article on dieting encouraged me to share my diet tips, starting first of all with what not to do in your fight to shed a few pounds. Don’t nip down to Harley Street with your friends, as I did in my teens, and ask advice from one of the many diet clinics that operated there years ago, when you only weigh 9 stone 4 lbs at the time and your height is 5 ft 6 inches. When they give you a prescription for what you later discover are dangerous amphetamines, don’t double the dose and swig them down with either champers or Cava, and spend your nights dancing until dawn, giggling yourself sick, totally off your face.Don’t bother with the Atkins Diet, you will have horrible breath and all that meat is hell on your arteries. The Dukan Diet is better, but do you really want to spend every morning in a pinnie at the crack of dawn, cooking an oatmeal pancake, or fry your brain trying out weirdo food combinations? After the black bombers, we all lost weight on the meat and citrus fruit diet. This works, if you fancy tearing at raw meat dripping blood with your teeth, at 7 am. in the morning, like Mia Farrow from Rosemary’s Baby.
A friend wanted to try colonic irrigation, so purely in the interests of science, I went too. A lot of men were trying it, and from the traumatised look on their faces, a plastic tube had just made sure they wouldn’t wear white at their wedding. I’m not at all squeamish, so I didn’t mind it, nor did I mind watching the stuff going through the tube, but I doubt it does much good in the long term. It’s also a waste of money buying a gym membership. When I did that, the only thing that got any exercise was my mouth, chatting, as I lounged on a piece of equipment, laughing at everyone else. The instructor described my running as “mincing”.
The Cabbage Soup diet, the Milk Shake diet, the Beyonce diet, where you drink something horrendous like maple syrup, cayenne pepper (honestly!) and something else, are all the same, starvations diets They will wreck your metabolism and induce mad cravings.
Boris is basically right. Avoid cheese and alcohol, never eat junk food, whether or not you are on a diet, and avoid fatty foods. My diet is a bit more lenient, if you crave something, have a tiny piece, just for the taste, like a small cube of cheese. This actually works and you don’t feel deprived. The key words are portion control. You can lose weight by sticking to your normal, healthy diet, but halve the amounts, then eat things you like that aren’t fattening, like artichoke hearts with the oil rinsed off. (love those) if you feel peckish. Hot soup is really good, especially home made. Don’t eat a mountain of kale unless you like it.
Alcohol is really fattening. Drink all day, it is totally up to you, but you will get fat. It will also ruin your looks. If you can’t go mad when you are young, when can you, but don’t carry on the habit past your mid-twenties, let alone thirties. A friend of mine has a huge red nose, blood shot eyes, veined cheeks, and a massive stomach. Aesthetically, I couldn’t. I would hate to preach. Nobody has the right to tell anybody else what to do, we must all find our own way. It’s just when you get older, it’s tempting to pass on things you have found out, to help. Anyone who wants to tell me to get stuffed, feel free.
Basically, Boris is right again, what matters is how we are inside. The soul and the spirit need nourishment and that doesn’t come from food and drink. Loveless sex is just a short term fix. You can buy every expensive handbag you can lay your hands on, but if you are totally empty inside, no amount of food and drink will ever fill that void……