Red blooded cougars throughout the land are raking their razor sharp talons across his latest press release in frustration. Let this date forever be remembered, May 27th! Devotees of the Rubrik Cube everywhere are lighting candles. Love god Ed is off the market! Yup, in spite of protestations to the contrary, Ed has bowed to public pressure (I bet!), they are clamping on the old ball and chain and Ed nasally and far from romantically, will today intone, Dalek like, “I do!”
The fact that he didn’t even have a stag do is typical, although if he did, he would probably have ended up like Brad Cooper in The Hangover, off his face after one drink and he couldn’t remember the last 24 hours because someone slipped him a roofie. I can imagine David Cameron’s hauteur if he faced Ed across the dispatch box to find that Ed had ripped one of his own front teeth out or got a tattoo when under the influence. Maybe no stag night was the wise decision.
Ed may never make it as a male centrefold, let alone a Chippendale. His appeal cinematically is pitched somewhere between the tall skinny geek with glasses in Drillbit Taylor, who is beaten up so much he has to hire a bodyguard, and The Wimpy Kid. It’s hard, indeed impossible, to imagine him whispering sweet nothings in his sepulchral, adenoidal tones and smooth is the last word you would use to describe his style. If you want a discussion on Marxism though, that goes on and on and on and on – Ed is your man!
Politically, it has been a bit mixed, to put it kindly. His speech supporting the students at the time of the student demo was ripped to pieces by Boris Johnson. He has utterly failed to provide another alternative. Well meaning though he is, he unfailingly manages to back the wrong issue, for example declaring he “will not rest” until 50% of Labour MPs are female. (Now there’s a patriarchal statement if I ever heard one). His tentatively expressed hopes for the future are greeted with snarling disbelief and that is just from his own side. Ed Balls has the look of a slavering rottweiller.
There are those who talk of the lost leader, conveniently forgetting that the lost leader lost because he smugly sat on his backside and waited for the leadership to come to him. Ed at least had the nous to go for it. even if he has revealed a callous streak. David Cameron has arrogantly claimed that Ed is nothing! And that is all he will ever be! Steady! I wouldn’t go that far! He made Labour leader didn’t he?