The British economy will get a massive shot in the arm when Prince William marries Kate Middleton, as tourists flock to see the dream couple. A £1 billion jackpot from tourism is expected from the happy event, but British security is already anticipating the nightmare of how to deal with all the extra women who will get crushes on London Mayor Boris Johnson, once they cop an eyeful, and then become enchanted by his brilliant ideas. A forty million audience worldwide is expected to view the wedding at Westminster Abbey.
The British Tourist Authority has estimated that at least 40 million people will watch the wedding on television, and there will be massive interest in all things British, including our history and traditions. We will be in the world spotlight as never before. Americans and Canadians, their pockets bulging with loot, are expected to flock to the service. A series of pilgrimages are already being planned to City Hall to goggle worshipfully at the present blond and brainy incumbent, and it was thought best not to mention the time Boris mobbed up the Pope to his face.
How to bridge the culture gap? I can imagine how US satirist Jon Stewart will send up our aristocracy. He already seems to think we bow and curtsey to each other on a daily basis, and that every Brit has a cut glass accent. Think of the culture shock when Cheryl Cole opens her mouth, or they get a load of East Enders.We also need to explain to Jon that Nick and Dave have an intellectual rapport only and are happily married men with families. The embarrassment of justifying why Britain is being run by a psycho nut job will mercifully be spared us now that Gordon is no longer in office. Jon Stewart is a big soccer fan, and he knows a lot about it too, so Wayne and co. should expect the worst in terms of utter humiliation.
Sales of food and champagne and wine could top 360M, while merchandising will probably rake in around 260M on mugs, spoons, copies of the engagement ring, and pictures of the couple and the Royal family. Boris has so far refused to give up his bike or accept the protection of a ring of steel by security services. Sportingly, the Mayor has offered to share some screen time with his Mayoral opponent, Ken, and even has offered to pay personally for Ken to have his adenoids fixed to make him understandable to US audiences.
The royal couple intended to accept the Mayor’s offer to get married at City Hall, with a Vivienne Westwood dress for Kate, a fish and chip supper and music by the rock trio G3. Instead, they are opting for the full works at Westminster Abbey, a dream dress for Kate, and that scamp Harry as best man properly attired in morning dress. The loving and patriotic couple refused to pass up a chance to help the British economy, and this will after all, be history in the making.