My negotiating tips for David Cameron

The negotiations between the Tories and the Lib Dems are taking far too long,  and I’m getting a bad feeling.   David Cameron needs a few tips.cleggsmirk

Maybe he should drop  the exquisite politeness,  which bizarrely, even Gordon is mimicking – it’s like “After you!”  “Oh no, after YOU!”   Stop the pussy footing around,  Dave and cut to the chase.

Your opening comment to Nick Clegg.  “Shut it.  You’ve hardly got any seats.”

Follow that up with “The country obviously doesn’t trust you.  Why should I?”

Get clever.  Tell him “I’m bringing in some legislation that is long overdue.  From now on, anyone who insults an Old Etonian gets a hefty fine, even a prison sentence”.  “What?  OK, I’ll drop the idea….. but only on the condition you do as you’re told.”

Try conciliation.  “This could be your golden ticket.  Free goes on the lottery every weekend and all the tea and biscuits you fancy”.

If he still hasn’t caved, really spell it out.  Put the boot in.  “Gordon loathes you, and there is only me stopping him from ripping you to pieces.  Hear that noise outside?  It’s a baying mob.  They all  want you, but not in a good way.   I’m all you’ve got!”

Land the knockout punch.  “All your own party hate you for talking to me, and  Huhne and Cable are planning to kick you out as leader.  They never really liked you, you know.   It’s time you admitted that appearing on those television debates was  a major error of judgment.  What?  You’d like to lie down?  Sure, but just sign this first……..”

UPDATE   A new movie is coming out called Splice. Two totally incompatible elements, only one of which is human,  are spliced together to make an abomination.  See the horrifying trailer here!.

7 responses to “My negotiating tips for David Cameron

  1. Pingback: Hung Parliament: Clegg and Cameron to accept Close treated economically “- Telegraph. Co. UK | World News - International Headlines,Breaking News, U.S., World, Weather, Business, Health, Entertainment, Sports, Politics, Travel, Science, Technology a

  2. “Shut it. You’ve hardly got any seats!” I so wish Cameron would say that to Nick Clegg.

  3. The negotiations might be more like your suggestion that you think!

    I too find it hard to understand how a third party with very few seats can force unwelcome politicies on the winning party.

    Blackmail, isn’t it?

  4. Cameron is probably being pretty tough behind the scenes. Strikes me Nick Clegg is on a knife edge, and doesn’t have a very good bargaining hand.

  5. Perfidy thy name is Clegg.

  6. I’d LOVE to hear David Cameron say that. “Shut it. You hardly got any seats”.

  7. Pingback: CLEGGIE IS DEAD MAN WALKING | CYBERBORISjohnson

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