The couples who should never, ever get together. The worst possible pairings ever. My Oscar nominations for the most nightmarish couples are:
1) Boris Johnson and Harriet Harman. He is all about the jokes and exudes sex appeal and she is cerebral, with no sense of humour whatsoever. Their lives would be hell. This pairing could end in murder.
2) Martin Amis and Katie Price. (Jordan). Communications breakdown! On the other hand, he is the only man to look at a girl with two melons on her chest, strapped into a fighter pilot’s harness, and say she had an interesting face. Also, if they ever did get together, the book he would write once it was curtains would probably win the Booker Prize.
3) Gordon Brown and Kerry Katona. They have so much in common. Both make disastrous decisions and they are both chronic spendaholics. Thirty year marriages have been based on less. ps. A friend pointed out they have both ruined Iceland!
4) David Miliband and Hillary Clinton. It started so well, like a folie a deux, but then it all went horribly wrong when he bottled it, (like he bottles everything), and she started stalking him.
5) Ed Balls and Sarah Jessica Parker. She is too prissy, high maintenance and fancy pants for anyone ever to be good enough except a billionaire and his idea of fun is farting in bathtubs, laughing his ass off. Basically Ed only appeals to women who like sexist blokes who punch people for no reason.
6) Carla Bruni and President Sarkozy. We hope so much for happiness for this pair, but ice, ice, baby! Why are we terrified that the day will come when Carla cuts up the pictures from their photo album, makes them into little puppets and uses them in her Theatre of Cruelty?
7 ) Barack Obama and Sarah Palin. He’s thoughtful, sensitive and caring and she should be shot, stuffed and put in a glass cage.
8) Cheryl Cole and Louis Walsh. She is stunningly beautiful, with a penchant for bizarre outfits designed by a camp sadist. Once she sported two dinner plates over her chest, chopsticks in her hair and a skirt cropped to her see you next Tuesday. These two obviously can’t stand each other, but as Cheryl is Simon Cowell’s pet, Louis daren’t upset the Boss. Go on Louis tell her! That’s what death beds are for!
9) Jonathan Trott and Lindsay Lohan. South African men tend to be pragmatic, self reliant and focused, with tons of ambition and self belief. Trottie needs to concentrate on his batting. The last thing he needs is a clinging, needy little love bunny, into analysis, substance abuse and eating disorders, who describes herself as “an attention whore”.
10) Charlie Sheen and anybody. Charlie has been through rehab twice, admitted spending $50,000 on hookers, overdosed on cocaine, has a problem with alcohol, and has a string of domestic abuses to his name. On his third marriage, his most recent wife has just taken out a restraining order. The mystery is, how was anyone daft enough to marry him? Probably the only female who could knock him into shape is Madonna.